Marriage and Loneliness

                                                  Agbaw-Ebai Maurice Ashley (AMDG) {facebookpopup}

A feeling that is common to many human experiences is one of loneliness. Many people feel so lonely. We live in a world marked by the social media, in which we all feel inter-connected with so much ease. The Internet is available, 24/7; mobile phones; DVDS; text messages; emails; etc. With all these, one would imagine that the feeling of loneliness would be something of the past, uncommon to contemporary men and women. Our common experiences point to the contrary. Men and women continue to feel lonely, even in the midst of so much interaction, engagement and noise.

Naturally, human beings do not want to be lonely. We dread loneliness, for various reasons:

• Loneliness sometimes forces us into depression, especially when we begin to interpret the feeling of loneliness as isolation.
• Loneliness sometimes creates in us a feeing of rejection, perhaps due to some decisions we have made in the past or some path undertaken.
• Loneliness could user in a feeling of guilt, as we enter into a process of recycling past failures and mistakes.
• Loneliness can sometimes lead to self-pity, as we enter into the line of thought that all others are better than me.
• Loneliness can lead to negative compulsive behavior. It creates the possibility for addictions of various sorts.

As with many other human experiences, the feeling of loneliness can bear positive fruits:

• It can lead one to recollection and examination of one’s life, with the possibility of improvement and change.
• It can open up new possibilities hitherto unnoticed.
• It can lead to a spiritual reawakening, as one begins to pay attention to the inner movements in one’s self. One might begin to discern the small, still voice of God, talking in one’s soul.

It is OK to see marriage as a path to overcoming loneliness. At the very beginning of the history of marriage, we read these words uttered by God: “The Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). We see in these words that communion and overcoming loneliness was primary to God’s fashioning of creation, of creating human beings for marriage, male and female. Marriage is therefore an invitation to share our lives with this man or this woman, so that I no longer leave in the desert or emptiness of my own life.

The marital communion that overcomes loneliness is not just about living in the same house, or sharing the same bedroom. It is not limited to eating together, shopping together, etc. All these are very very important, and should not be treated lightly.

However, experience has shown that people can still do all of that and still feel lonely. What then are antidotes to marital loneliness?

1. I will argue that the first step is to recognize that I will always feel lonely as a human being, from time to time. I have to be very clear and emphatic here. Marriage does not and will never take away the human feeling of loneliness. Even couples that have been married for over thirty-years still feel lonely. Once I have this clear recognition or awareness, I will not feel disillusioned when feelings of loneliness dominate me. I will know that such moments come and go. I will try to be calm and serene, knowing that like all other feelings, these too will fade away.
2. A second antidote to marital loneliness is to open myself to the possibility of newness. It is true that with the passage of time, I get used to the habits of my spouse, and therefore cease to imagine anything exciting about her or him. Such a spirit is a recipe for a killed-joy! There will be moments in which the other will do something genuinely new and exciting, and I should allow myself to be captured by that. An openness to excitement helps overcome momentary loneliness.
3. A third antidote to marital loneliness is being present, day be day. I cannot overcome loneliness by imagining how I will live with this man or woman for the next thirty years! I have no guarantees about that length of time. What I have is the here and now, living and sharing the present day. It is helpful that when worries about the future invade my thoughts, as they occur to every human being, I should recall that I am not the only man or woman in the universe who worry about the future. Above all, I should remind myself that the most important think is to live the present moment. I can only be whole, integral, today, in the here and now. I think, as a priest, that it’s the same with the call to be holy. As a priest, I can only live out my vows in the now of today. I am called to be holy today.
4. From the life of Jesus, we can learn an antidote to holiness. Scripture records that when Jesus when lonely in the Garden of Gethsemane on the eve of his passion, he prayed! (Mark 14:32-42). As Christians, prayer is an antidote to marital loneliness. When feelings of loneliness pervade us, we could spend time with God in prayer: reading the Scriptures; praying the Rosary; reading the lives of the saints, the friends of God and the authentic interpreters of Scripture.

Talk this Over

1. What accounts for some moments of loneliness in your life?
2. How do you think your spouse could help you cope with your loneliness?
3. How do you think God can help you cope with your loneliness?